Did I Stroke Out: Jason Borne (2016)

It has taken me almost a month to wrap my head around Jason Borne. No, it’s not a complicated movie. Actually it’s straight forward. My problem processing it is due to the pacing. Jason Borne is so break neck I never had a chance to get a grip. It threw my head back in my seat like a supercharged Hemi jumping off the line and never gave up. When the end credits rolled all I was left with was a blur.

This is what I remember (keep in mind my blood was pooled at the back of my head so I might not have all the details just right):

Since we last saw him, Jason Borne has taken up backyard MMA fights in excessively sandy regions of the world to make money. And Bar Mitzvas. (Man, some parents take the whole “becoming a man” thing WAY too seriously.) Speaking of MMA, Ronda Rousey has channeled her aggression into becoming a l33t hax0r, frequenting dark and moody European cybercafes. She gets caught torrenting Metallica’s new album causing all of Slatvakia’s power to be cut off by the CIA. (Apparently the CIA is moonlighting as a power company to make rent.)

Rousey meets with Borne. She hands over a usb thumb drive with her demo reel for Captain Marvel. She’s killed for her trouble. Sorry, Rousey, you weren’t gonna get the part even if Matt Borne endorsed you. Project Greenlight only has pull with low-budget horror films. Besides, I think Brie Larson has the gig.

Then there’s a haze of running all over the world for some exotic location shots, retail therapy, a massage, and something about Daddy and his secret list of gamer tags: IronHammer and BlackRogue and TeaBagtheDarkTaint.

Sergey Brin makes a cameo. There’s some found footage from Google I/O Vegas. The after party goes to shit and all CIA agents on site die. There’s a car chase with LOTS of collateral damage, but the 2016 Dodge Charger performs excellently despite all the carnage. Must be the Hemi. I REALLY want to buy one of those!

Borne returns the Google Canklet he received at Google I/O. Not to Goole, but to the new CIA Chief, Ms. Top of Her Class at Quantico. There’s also a note about liking apples.

The end?

Probably not. Borne is our James Bond. We can’t let them stuffy limey gits have all the fun, can we? But, if it is, there’s always Jack Reacher (Jack Reacher: Never go Back is out Friday, October 21, 2016).

Whatever the case, that’s what I recall. The Jason Borne experience reminds me of those crazy memories that float up after being put under at the dentist. As far as action-packed, fast-paced summer flicks go, Jason Borne is the definition. Unfortunately it did such a good job I don’t remember what I saw. It was a’ight. I think.

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