I saw Independence Day: Resurgence at the Alamo Drafthouse. The damnest thing happened. I distinctly remember ordering cheese on my fries, but instead it sprayed out of the projector. Oh well, at least Independence Day: Resurgence did not disappoint in being the shitty sequel I expected it to be.

Everyone on Earth is “peace, love, and Kumbaya.” After the events of Independence Day humanity does, but at the same time they don’t, believe Levinson’s (Goldblum) paranoia. We’ve developed our technology, reverse engineering the alien tech, just enough to meet the threat if it turns out to be exactly what we dealt with before. This is a genius plan considering that when threats return they do the same thing they did last time.

In other words, our arrogance fucked us, properly.

Actually, the world was fucked no matter what. Contrary to popular belief, the aliens switched up their game. This time around they took a page from Michael Bay. Their ship is half the size of the earth. They blast us from space. End of movie.

Wait, that’s what would have happened if this movie had any sense. What does happen is we kick alien ass. (What? That’s not a spoiler. This is a Summer-blockbuster, flag-waving, ‘Murica, Fuck Yeah! movie. What, did you think we would lose?)

Everyone from the first movie is dead, or in a coma, or bat shit crazy. Or doing well in the case of Levinson, albeit ignored. Those in a coma or bat shit crazy are somehow connected to the hive mind, having been exposed to space—particles?—in the first film. Though this new ship has a different queen, somehow all the hive minds are connected into a giant hive mind network… with individual queens, or some shit. Whatever. Look giant space ship! Explosions!

Anyway, all the crazy and coma people reboot. Just in time, too. There is a cheese oozing inspirational speech to give and complex ultra-quantum equations (in alienese) to be translated.

When the movie finally winds down, everyone loses someone. Boo hoo. Oh, the feelz! Everyone except Goldblum, of course. He and his father have the hero’s death exemption. I suppose that makes sense. He and his father single-handedly saved the Earth the first time around. Oh, and this time, too. This idiotic universe likes to dole out justice very even handedly, or some such shit.

I can easily get into “leave your brain at the door” Summer movies. Just don’t go too outrageous and make characters vaguely interesting. Nope, not Independence Day: Resurgence. The alien menace is over-the-top and I could give two drips of infected unicorn piss about anyone in this movie. Not worth it.

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