I nearly blew an aneurysm while watching The Fifth Wave. As a result, I would like to petition the Motion Picture Association of America to make some kind of warning label for films like the Parental Advisory warning labels on music.

What caused such a violent reaction? Love.

Before things get out off track, let me say that I’m not some bitter old man bitching about “chick flick” stuff. I do not mind love in movies. In fact, one of my favorite movies is a romantic comedy, Shaun of the Dead.

What I am opposed to is using love as a magic plot device, like they did in that God awful piece of shit Warm Bodies. If you have not seen Warm Bodies the problem is this: Love. CURES. Zombies. That’s right. Love makes people who have died, and reanimated, supernaturally come back to life.

Fuck you. That’s fucking stupid.

Now that I have laid that out, let me also mention The Fifth Wave is aimed at a young audience. I’m not in that demographic, but I do like young adult stuff. The Harry Potter movies were good. Divergent was a’ight. So, when I watched the trailer for The Fifth Wave I thought, “Hey, sci fi. It might be entertaining.” And it was. That is, until one of the aliens is cured of his alienness because love. Thing is, this is even worse than Warm Bodies. At least in Warm Bodies R actually goes through the motions of emotionally bonding with Julie. In The Fifth Wave, hot alien boy simply sees Cassie Sullivan (Chloë Grace Moretz) though a sniper scope and falls in love, which switches off his alien nature.

Fuck you. That’s even fucking stupider!

At that point I completely checked out of the movie. It is infuriating because this is the second time Hollywood’s done this. That’s why I am asking for the warning label. To be fair, have the warning labels list in a couple words the themes, or ideas, or elements that are the draw of the film. That way, say, if a movie has an “Explosions” label, and you are not into over-the-top Michael Bay garbage, you know you can avoid the movie.

The best I can think to do for now, short of exhaustive research before every movie, is to ask my 19-year-old daughter, who happens to like teen romance novels, if she’s read the book the movie is based on. If she has, then I need to do some due diligence. It is not full proof, but I could weed out some potential problems. In this case it would have. Turns out she had read this novel, and even she was not impressed.

So, if love as a magic cure-all drives up your blood pressure more than them damned kids on your lawn, avoid The Fifth Wave.

2 thoughts on “Love & Loathing: The Fifth Wave (2016)

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