The Good, The Bad, & The Expensive Margaritas: Jurassic World (2015)


Hey, 'ritas are expensive in Jurassic World!
Hey, ‘ritas are expensive in Jurassic World!

tag_lineTagline: The park is open.

Year: 2015          Runtime: 124 mins

Director: Colin Trevorrow

Writer: Rick Jaffa, Amanda Silver, Colin Trevorrow, Derek Connolly

Starring: Chris Pratt, Bryce Dallas Howard, Vincent D’Onofrio

The Good:

DFX (5)

5 3D Specs (out of five) for FX.

That $150,000,000 (estimated) budget went a long way towards making some SUH-weet dinosaurs. I wish they’d have spent $5 for Chris Pratt to shave off the Value Brand X Porn Stashe™ he was sporting. But, eh, there was enough big-ass lizards to distract, and the ‘stache was only noticeable in close ups, so… whatever.

Gojira (3) 3 Gojira (out of five) for SUH-weet Dinosaurs.

Indominus Rex, the ‘Roid Ragin’ dinosaur, was Micheal Bay over-the-top. But if one can forgive the movie for the giant “this would never EVER happen” plot hole (see below), one can forgive Indominus. She can’t help that she’s too much. She’s just as the animators drew her. Besides, they had to do something spectacular to get Peoria off the couch and into the theaters, right?

There were a couple other bastardizations, but overall the dinosaurs were good.

Duke (4)

4 Dukes (out of five) for Chris Pratt.

He lost a Duke because of the terrible ‘stache mentioned before, but he was still able to carry this film on his broad, dreamy shoulders. Mmmmmm…

He was the smart-aleck bad-ass (not unlike Harrison Ford in his Han Solo/Indiana Jones days). Well played, sir. Well played.

The Bad:

Jesus (5) 5 JEAZ-us H Christ (out of five) for Seriously!

This is one of those franchises that shouldn’t have gone beyond the first film. What happened in Jurassic Park alone was stretching the audiences ability to suspend disbelief. But after two more “incidences” these islands would have been either razed by atomic blasts or been shrouded completely in a mysterious fog-of-bullshit by the US military. There would be no park. Please.

Also, the “you’ve gone too far with your science” trope is really spread on thick. It’s not just the greedy park people who are pushing evolution, or genetics, or whatever, into the danger zone, but there’s another party which is doing so too. In secret. The difference being the park person is redeemable because she have relatives who are put at risk (the two young boys). Because she loves them she learns the errors of her way in time to not be gruesomely killed. She so redeemable she scores a boyfriend, too. Aw!

And The Expensive Margaritas

You might have been wondering what in the hell margaritas, and the animated gif at the top, had to do with the film. Well, when the shit hits the fan and park goers are running for their lives, there is one patron in particular who very clearly grabs his drinks despite death raining down from on high. While humorous, it’s probably the most believable part of this film. I can imagine that a tasty adult beverage at such a place would easily go for $15 – $20. This guy said, “Fuck the dumb shit. I’m getting my drinks.”

Even weller played than Chris Pratt, sir.

And that’s why Margarita Man stole the film.

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