There are three types who will see Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: (1) fans of the comic book (2) spastic pre-teen children and (3) movie critics.

If you’re a fan of the comics, especially the ORIGINAL (read in the smuggest, slack-jawed drawl of self-importance), this movie, like everything that was done to the franchise after said ORIGINAL, is whore’s crap. Same goes for movie critics, unless you’re an ass-licking liar looking for favors. Then it’s Tony the Tiger all the way, “It’s Grrrrrrrrrrreeeeeeeaaaaaaattttttt!”

If you’re a spastic pre-teen children, you’ll fall in with the ass-lickin’ liars: you’ll love it. Ultimately it doesn’t matter ‘cos you’ll forget the whole damned thing before you reach the light of the lobby, but eh. At least your parent(s) had an hour and forty minutes of peace.

Honestly, it falls somewhere in between Hercules and Captain America: The Winter Soldier. It’s a movie about 15 year old, mutated box turtles who are ninjas. Because it actually has 15 year old, mutated box turtles who are ninjas it’s better than Hercules. Yet, because it’s about 15 year old, mutated box turtles who are ninjas, filtered through Nickelodeon’s lens (focusing it on spastic pre-teen children), it’s less entertaining than Captain America: The Winter Soldier. Captain America was focused on spastic comic book nerds, thus making it more appealing to the refined tastes of viewers like myself.

So, if you’ve got spastic pre-teen children, or a nephew/niece that fits the description, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles will get them out of your hair for about 101 minutes.

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