Come to Where the Flavor Is: The Quiet Ones (2014)

I can understand filmmakers wanting to add authenticity to their movies, but Jesus Christ on His Throne! The characters smoke worse than my ’73 Gremlin when it was burning oil. I thought I was immune to the influence of the anti-smoking vote, but the pendulum has swung so far that I almost wanted to go to the manager to ask him or her to do something about this. The title, The Quiet Ones, refers to the fact that cancer has eaten away their larynxes, whomever they are.

This is yet another in Hammer’s long history of slow films. All of the exciting supernatural horror is in the trailer. The 96 remaining minutes are blah, blah, blah, what’s all this then? The horror of the movie is less  the supernatural occurrences around Jane Harper and more the mad aspirations of Professor Joseph Coupland, who is basically Captain Ahab hunting the white whale. Unlike Ahab, you never care enough for Coupland, or any of the characters, to make this a tragic story worth watching. And so The Quiet Ones drags on until it gets good, at which point there’s five minutes until the credits roll. Sigh.

Mostly you want someone to bust into the movie, Monty Python style, shrieking your frustrations with, “Get on with it already!” Mostly.

Ultimately there’s not enough entertainment to justify any price of admission. There is one group who will love this movie, the cigarette companies. I mean to say, The Quiet Ones is basically it’s an hour and forty minute ad. Even in the smoking heyday they couldn’t get away with advertising like that. So if you’re an executive at a tobacco company The Quiet Ones will be a found stroll down memory lane. Otherwise, meh.

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