Abs and Veins: The Wolverine (2013)

Full disclosure: I haven’t read the Wolverine in Japan story line, so I don’t know and don’t care what ACTUALLY happened.

Ext. Night – Dark Alley

(Voice Over)

Cinema isn’t what it used to be. The summer is supposed to be scorching. This year simmered, at best. It all happened so fast. It’s like everyone’s sense of decency just disappeared. The glut of mediocrity made things worse. All I see is rot—ugly and unwatchable garbage.

The season is winding down, the block buster openings have started to dry up. The the theaters have nowhere to turn.

Barak Obama was re-elected as President. He was supposed to change things. He didn’t. Now more and more people turn to cable TV or Youtube or, God help us, books to get their entertainment. The audience is gripped by fear. Dark times. The cinema needs protection.  She cries out for help, but I can’t answer her call. Not after what I’ve seen.

There is an animal that lives by night, searches the trashcans and cleans out the garbage. To clean out the trashcan of motion pictures today he needs to be more than a man. He needs to be the hero this dark time needs: The Wolverine!

What we got was veins, sweat and abs. And while I did masturbate twice to the rock-hard six-pack of muscles that is Hugh Jackman, gay porn The Wolverine is not. Nor was it particularly good fiction. Plus, I’m sure if you asked any comic book geek it probably failed on many levels to satisfy their very narrow definition of what this movie should have been. This is what summer films have been reduced to. When the story goes, the raping starts. The audience is helpless. I would cry, but… I’m a man.

Instead of something awesome, this is what was presented to us: Logan can’t die and kicks serious ass. After killing Jean Grey he’s wandered the wilderness, an Emo caveman sans purpose and person heigene products. A man he saved in Japan during the bombing of Hiroshima, who is on his death bed, calls for Logan to come see him one final time. He wishes to say his final farewell and give Logan the one thing he can’t have, death. Naturally, when he’s given this option Logan changes his mind, finds love and lots of ninjas to fight. In doing so his life regains purpose. He’s no longer a Ronin without a cause, he’s a Ronin looking for a fight. And a big, beefy burger (available at Red Robin for a limited time).

The infinite monkey theorem states that a monkey hitting keys at random on a typewriter keyboard for an infinite amount of time will almost surely type a given text, such as the complete works of William Shakespeare. Raises the question, how many monkeys took how much time for this?

There is one redeeming moment, but it’s in the last 10 minutes. Sigh. Logan is able to let go of both Jean Grey AND the Love Interest which brought him back from the brink. Normally I hate the “love conquers all” bullshit, but this is a different message all together. One that fits right with Logan’s character, and more importantly, with the way most men think: Wham. Bam. Thanks, lady. I’m gonna take your private jet, hot adopted sister and go on with my life. See ya! Though not quite worth sitting through the whole film to see, if you find yourself watching the movie, at least there is that.

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