Lurv That Cherished Myth: Beautiful Creatures (2013)

Jello Biafra sang it best with, “That cherished myth/Falling in love magically solves/every problem you’ve ever had.” Everyone knows this idea total horse shit. But, it does make for a happy ending. I prefer an orgasm, but that’s because I’m a hopeless romantic.

Beautiful Creatures is a love conquers all story. And while the theme is less compelling than the latest celebrity’s tearful apology about falling off the wagon yet again, Beautiful Creatures isn’t all together bad. I’ll admit that I would not have gone to see it if my step-daughter hadn’t asked me to go with her. At the same time, I didn’t have to ground her for making me see it.

(Quick aside for you semantic Nazis. Yes, she did MAKE me go see it with her. Anyone who has lived with a teenaged girl knows the hell dished out for not succumbing to Princess’s demands. Plus, I wanted cool step-dad points.)

You might think I’m hypocritical because I gave Warm Bodies shit for having love cure zombies, i.e. bring people back from the undead, but… Warm Bodies tried to sell us on the idea that LOVE. CURES. ZOMBIES. That’s more idiotic than Birdemic, and that was a burbling puddle of diarrhea. Beautiful Creatures only suggests that love empowered the hero and heroine to do what has to be done.

Plus, Ethan Wate (Alden Ehrenreich), Lena Duchannes’ (Alice Englert) love interest, is just too damned cute, especially his “buck authority” attitude and his southern accent. He totally won me over. That’s not surprising, as I’m such a pussycat. Tee-hee.

The story centers on young Lena Duchannes who is a witch, er… uhm… I mean, a caster, who is about to undergo “the change” when she turns 16 years old. Ethan Wate is a small town boy with big aspirations who can’t help but be charmed by the strange new girl, Lena. Teenage love is crazy, but add magic and hilarity ensues. As well as some unexplained deaths and a little hoochie-coochie-lick-’em-yum-yums.

All things considered, I still wouldn’t go see it in the theatre, but if it happened to come on while I was watching TV I’d watch. I’d have my iPad out too, but I’d float in and out.

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