Isn’t There a Carrot Based Moisturizer for That? Bullet to the Head (2013)

I know I’ve been gushing on lately about how much I enjoy that movies are being made for “old farts” like myself but I’m about to take that all back. Being old is popular now thanks to all the senior action stars. And anything that’s remotely popular will attract schmucks looking to capitalize on it while the gettin’s good.

Whereas the tagline, Revenge Never Gets Old, might be true, the same is not true for action stars. There’s a point at which you need to hang up your machismo. Even if you can bench press ten quarters.

Let’s face facts. Nothing screams “my cock still works” like a veiny 67 year old with his shirt off running around blowing shit up. Sly’s tats are cool and the man has a great build, but his skin looks like an elephant’s scrotum. Sweet Brown said it best, “Ain’t nobody got time for that.” Seriously.

Otherwise the film’s a’ight.

You’ve got a bad-ass killer-for-hire James Bonomo (Sly Stallone) who’s been set up to take a fall. Goodie cop Taylor Kwon (Sung Kang) comes to town to investigate the murder Bonomo commited. Kwon isn’t interested in Bonomo. He knows there’s someone higher that’s more important than a hired gun. This unlikely duo pair up to take down their common enemy, Robert Nkomo Morel (Adewale Akinnuoye-Abaje).

And then there’s Bonomo’s daughter, Lisa (Sarah Shahi). With the tattoos she is beyond smoking hot. Now there’s someone you want to see with her shirt off. Mmmmmm!

Shit blows up real good, guns blaze, and the final fight between Bonomo and Keegan (Jason Momoa), Morel’s elite killer, isn’t too over the top, considering Sly’s senior status. 

So, all things considered, it’s a fun flick. I just wish the old guys would act more their age. And for the love of God keep your shirt on.

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