I’m Too Old for This Shit: Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters (2013)

A lot of people my age, 40, bitch about getting old—rightfully so. More parts start hurting, all the time. The parts that don’t hurt no longer work properly. Worst of all, the doctors all say the same thing, “There’s nothing I can do. It’s all a part of getting older.”

Well, you know what, fuck that! I’m too old for this getting old shit. It’s spilling over into other parts of my life. Being a cynical shit was funny at first, but now it’s just another fucking pain like when I pee. It’s so bad at times that I get on my own nerves.

What does this have to do with Hansel and Gretel? Everything. Action/fantasy/horror movies are my thing. Or, increasingly, they were my thing. See, I’m not the target audience for this movie.

So, as I’m sitting there watching this movie I get hung up on crap that I used to like. For instance, machine guns. They are fucking sweet. Gatling guns even more so. They made great use of one in The Last Stand, Sukiyaki Western Django, et. al. But, when you try to have one in Hansel & Gretel it has all the subtly, grace and awesomeness of a punch in the nuts. Double that for an over/under automatic crossbow, which can break apart to shoot left and right AND has a bayonet pop out the front.

Ok, the weapons are stupid, but so was Lee Horsley’s three-bladed sword in The Sword and the Sorcerer. I liked that movie, particularly because of the cheese. I think my problem is I’m still to immersed in the culture of 2010s to be able to appreciate the schlock that it is producing. Give it another 10 or 20 years and I’ll probably lap up this crap. Or I’ll be dead. A win either way.

Hansel & Gretel isn’t a horrible movie. It’s not like Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter. I didn’t want to set a bus load of nuns on fire after watching it. Honestly, it was a’ight, it just wasn’t made for me. My 16 year old daughter thought it was AWE-some. And that’s because she is who this movie was made for.

I don’t make up that sweet spot demographic of 18 – 35 year olds. Moreover, I’m not a fan of movies more “my age.”  So more often than not I’m finding myself caught in the middle of shit I’m too old for and crap my dad would have liked.

I’m Statler and Waldorf sans the good humor. Sigh.

So, here’s Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters in a nutshell: it delivers exactly what the trailer suggests, aimed at 16 – 25 year olds (male and female). If you fall into this demographic you’ll likely love it. If not, as long as you enjoy action/fantasy/horror, and you aren’t very demanding, you’ll be entertained.

Everyone else will be better served waiting for G.I. Joe: Retaliation.

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