And So Arnold’s Twilight Begins: The Last Stand (2013)

Let me clarify that headline. Whereas it might seem I’m comparing The Last Stand, or Arnold himself, to the Twilight series, I am not. No matter how soft Arnold gets with age he will never have a vagina, sparkling or otherwise. 

Speaking of aging, time is a harsh mistress. As I stumble blindly into my 40th year I am acutely aware of this terrible fact. Though not directly mentioned, the mellowing of attitude and noticeable lack of skin elasticity is  at the core of this movie’s being. Ray Owens (Arnold Schwarzenegger) has left the action and adventure of youth behind him. Previously a special ops cop from Los Angeles, Owens has moved to the small town of Sommerville, AZ to live a quiet life. Unfortunately, Frank Martinez (Rodrigo Santoro), a violent drug cartel boss, has escaped from the FBI and is making a run for the US/Mexico boarder, which is in Owen’s backyard. 

Owens might move a little slower but he’ll still stomp a mud hole in your ass. But what did you expect? Tea and biscuits and I-messages?

This movie is more interesting when considered in juxtaposition to the nation going bug nut crazy about guns. Not because of the obvious violence inherent in any Schwarzenegger movie, but because of the character Lewis Dinkham (Johnny Knoxville). Dinkham is the person gun control advocates are afraid of: the small down gun nut who is hiding an arsenal. Well, it’s not really the guns he’s hiding, as it is all the ammo. Dinkham has his guns right out in the open, literally on display, in his gun “museum” (open every third Thursday of the month from noon to 3 p.m.). Dinkham’s collection saves the day. After he adds the condition the government need not know about his stash, of course.

I thought Hollywood was run by liberal Jews? 

Damn! I done went and got all political like. WTF? I do so because can see the panties starting to wad up. I hear the war shriek of the Censorship Banshies: “We can’t have this kind of movie corrupting The Children™!” I can feel my testicles crawling up into my gut. Fuck that bullshit. Entertainment is just that, entertainment. If some jackass is going to shoot up a classroom full of children, he’ll do it whether or not there is a  GTA 5, Gangsta Rap or Schwarzenegger movies.  

If you like your action movies to kick ass, The Last Stand delivers, but it has more than punches and explosions. Director Jee-woon Kim knows his way around character development and comedy. Just like The Good, The Bad and The Weird, Kim manages to mix the elements into a smooth blend; a little something for everyone whether they be rootin’-tootin’, gun-toting Yosemite Sams or granola-chewing, patchouli wearing beatniks.

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